


Lois Lane on a Bad Day

by misura



Category: Zoolander (2001)
Genre: Multi, Rescue Missions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-20 04:21:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5991538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Hey," Hansel said, and no doubt about it: he was absolutely, 100% crazy, but also very, very ridiculously good-looking and Matilda didn't think she'd ever been so glad to see someone in her life. "Hey. That me you're pointing your gun at, <i>ese</i>?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lois Lane on a Bad Day

"Hey," Hansel said, and no doubt about it: he was absolutely, 100% crazy, but also very, very ridiculously good-looking and Matilda didn't think she'd ever been so glad to see someone in her life. "Hey. That me you're pointing your gun at, _ese_?"

They'd snagged her at the airport. Five goons with guns and a (verbal) arrest warrant.

"I don't think they speak English," she said. One of these days, she was going to kick her editor where it really, really hurt and then she was _not_ going to quit her job. She loved her job. Most days.

"Oh, hi, Matil. Hadn't seen you over there." Hansel was never going to win any slashies. _Terrible_ acting skills. "De-rock's going to come in via the roof. You haven't see him around, have you?"

Four goons with guns that are all pointed at him, and he wanted to talk about Derek.

Well, anything to create a diversion. "I think they've got dogs. On the roof, I mean."

"Well. Good thing I made him bring a discman, eh?" Hansel beamed at her. She realized she hadn't properly washed her hair in over two weeks. "It's got that special song on it, you know the one."

_Relax._ "Yeah. Good thing." One male model who'd never been brain-washed into becoming a martial arts master with insane ninja skills, unarmed, versus four male non-models, all of them armed.

Hansel bobbed his head. "So I'm thinking, these guys been bothering you? 'cause if not, I figure I can go easy on 'em. Accept their surrender, no harm no foul, that sort of thing?"

"They uh. They've been gentlemen." Not really, but close enough. She wasn't an idiot; when five guys with guns told you to step out of the line and come with them, _now_ , you didn't make any more of a scene than you had to, to make sure someone back home was going to know what happened to you.

"Good." Hansel looked at the goon closest to him. He got a grin full of gold teeth. "So how about it? Do you surrender, or are we going to have to do this the hard way?"

Derek had stopped a shuriken once, with his Magnum. With a _look_.

A shuriken was not the same as a bullet, though, let alone a hail of bullets. Hansel was not Derek.

"Tough guys, eh?" Hansel gestured. "What's the matter? Don't you know I'm _loco_?"

_Run! Get out of here!_ Too late now, of course. She should have -

"Well, _finally_."

Should have foreseen someone making the wall explode? Hansel had told her Derek was on the roof, with the dogs, not outside the wall, with explosives, getting ready to blow something up.

"Matilda?" Not Derek.

" _Archie?_ "

"Told you!" Hansel said, cheerfully yo-yoing the one goon still left standing. "Should have surrendered, suckers. Your bad, _hombre_. Your bad."

 

"Nice doggie! Good doggie! Ouch!"

Not the roof. Still, now seemed hardly the time to be picky; it was Derek. A really, really ridiculously good-looking and alive Derek.

"Will you just look at the big softie?" Hansel shook his head. "Say, you wouldn't happen to be thinking about getting a dog or two or uh seven, are you?"

"No." Matilda liked animals, she supposed. In a safe distance sort of way.

"Oh well." Hansel patted one of his pockets. "Now where - ah!"

"A dog whistle?" Neon green and plastic. It didn't look like much.

Hansel'd probably got it while climbing Mount Vesuvius or something. "Found it in some ancient Anasazi ruins," he said. "Guess some kids used it to scare off the coyote."

"Um." It would work. Of course it would work.

It was like drinking lapsang tea; sometimes, you just had to shut down your brains and ignore the logical part of you that said no way, no how was this going to work.

_Give in to the tea._ Have crazy sex.

Get rescued by two male models and the colleague who's always doing you favors for no good reason.

 

"Matilda! Are you all right?" Derek's face had 'worry' written all over it. He was never going to be wearing those pants again, or that shirt, and _not_ because they'd be 'so last week' tomorrow.

"I'm fine." She wondered what had happened to her luggage.

"You don't _look_ fine. You look lke you haven't properly washed your hair in three weeks. That's - " Hansel smacked him. "Hey! I'm just saying."

"And I'm just smacking you," Hansel said. "So hey, was that crazy or what?"

"Actually, it was twoootally crazy." Matilda wanted to yell at both of them. She wanted to hug them. She wanted to drink really strong tea and feel like taking all her clothes off was a perfectly normal and rational thing to do.

"That's not a word," Derek said. "I know that is not an actual word."

"Guys?" Archie. Probably the only one of them who was kind of normal. Sane. "Maybe we should go back to the plane now? Might be good to get out of here before ... "

"Yeah. Lead on, Ar-chief!" Hansel struck a pose.

 

Archie had retrieved her luggage. _Of course_ Archie had retrieved her luggage.

He also, apparently, knew how to fly an airplane. ( _Of course_ he knew how to fly an airplane.)

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" Hansel asked.

Highly unlikely. "What are you thinking?" Derek was still staring out of the window, looking at the dogs. They seemed to think that if they barked loudly enough, they might stop the plane from taking off.

"Contacts," Hansel said. "Now, don't get me wrong, some people pull off glasses really well - that sexy librarian look's a classic, and none of this 'only for the ladies' nonsense, that's just sexist, and sexist is totally last year."

Matilda stared at him.

Hansel shrugged. "I'm just saying. Contacts, some mousse - straight from Clark Kent to Superman."

"Archie's secretly Superman?" Derek turned away from the window.

"No such thing as Superman, grasshopper." Hansel waggled his eyebrows at Matilda. "So now that we're all safe and sound, how's some nice tea sound?"

 

"You guys saved my life."

Hansel hugged her. "Aw, Matil." It was a very naked hug. "You could have just called, you know. I mean, hey, _mi casa es su casa_. No judgment, ever. Come by whenever you want."

"I didn't mean _that_." Although _that_ had been nice, too. More than nice. "I meant coming to get me out of there." Hansel smirked. "I meant - you know what I mean."

"Well, you know." Hansel shrugged. "With great abs comes great responsibility."

"Just because we're very, very ridiculously good-looking, that doesn't mean we're not human," Derek said. "If you prickle us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh?"

"What Billy said. Although hey, I'm not sure about the tickling."

Matilda was tired. "No." She was sore, she was worn out. "No, no, no. I'm warning you."

"No?" That grin had sold well over a million calendars. "Really no?"

"My name's Derek. Not Billy."

"Betcha my man De-rock here's tickly aaalll over."

It was, quite likely, the best offer she was going to get. Besides, now that she really thought about it, maybe she wasn't all _that_ tired after all.


End file.
